Getting back on the path

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I wonder if other people react the same way to this: someone tells you how awesome you are at something, and then you automatically don’t want to do it anymore for fear that you will somehow let them down with your sudden lack of awesomeness at this thing which you were ostensibly great at. That was the catalyst that initially stopped me writing last year; someone told me she loved my blogs and suddenly I had writer’s block. I can’t blame it all on her, because the issue was really my own insecurity. It was like as soon as I knew I had a captive audience, my brain was like “OH GOD, NOW I HAVE TO DELIVER?!” and just noped off to the corner to stick its fingers in its ears with the requisite “lalalala I can’t hear you” mantra.

The thing is, I really did just start this thing to keep myself accountable for my journey, and that was the other thing that failed in the last 7 months. I haven’t been successful at holding myself accountable at all, despite going through periods of real effort at doing so. I got obstinate and surly about the fact that I seemingly (because we really don’t know what other people’s struggles are, do we?) have to work so much harder than others to reach and obtain optimal health. And that ugly asshole, Depression, reared its head for a while too, and because I’m an emotional eater, guess what happened there? Yup, a gain of 25 lbs.

So, now I’m struggling to regain my consistency in both nutrition and exercise, but I blatantly refuse to give up entirely. Nobody else is going to be able to make this happen for me, so if I want it, I have to do it myself. As a result of the reaffirmation of that understanding in my brain, my efforts have to be re-doubled….really, re-trebled if I’m going to get ahead. Apparently sometimes on a journey of 1000 miles, you end up retracing your steps here and there. I suppose that’s something we all should already know; how many of us get side-tracked off of the path to our goals and end up facing the wrong way, or re-treading the same ground we’ve already traversed? I think it’s a part of the human condition, but that doesn’t mean I can’t consciously choose to try to counteract that tendency.

Alright then, here goes. Time for yet another #notestomyself:

Dear Twenty,

It’s time to get your ass in gear and hold yourself accountable again.  You *need * this,  mentally and physically,  to be a better massage therapist,  a better family member and friend, a better girlfriend…a better, happier, healthier you.  So, go. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of everything and everyone else that is important to you.

You’ve got this. I love you, and so do a lot of others. GO FOR IT!

Love,

Me

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One thought on “Getting back on the path”

  1. It’s hard not to feel like you have to maintain a level of output when you get feedback.
    I find that I have to remind myself that acting as me was the thing people liked rather than a mock version to satisfy other people over myself.

    Good luck with your Blaugust participation Twenty.

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